Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Fog

Getting ready for a trip is always a "trip" at our house. I seem to always wait until the last minute to try and get everything done. I like to clean up the house a bit, so that we don't come home to a pig-sty, but I usually end up running around like a chicken without a head for the last couple of hours. It's sad, really. I keep hoping that someday I will be a better housekeeper, organizer, etc...

Today I got a package I've been looking forward to, it's my "Spring Clean, Year 'Round" kit! I was reading about it and decided that I needed to try something to get me going in the right direction. I'll let you know how this works out. Check out the site, it's really an interesting product!

The fog that is my life continues. I've realized that though I easily opened up and shared with my friends back home, I don't do the same here. I've become very good at surfacy stuff. I've got a mask on that could fool just about anyone, and it has. I remember the first year we were here, I tried, somewhat, to share me - especially at mops. But it didn't work. I don't know what I was expecting, but people really don't care when they don't know you. I don't blame them. I had never been in the situation where I was the new person - it was always someone else - or I had someone in the group that I already knew. Not so here. I really didn't hold much back that first 6 months to a year, but after that I started closing up shop. And that's where I find myself today - superficial, fake, pretender - everything I despise in others. Ironic.

One exception to this is Julie. I'm slowly learning to just be me with her and to be real. And honestly, I have not a clue where I would be without her! And I wish we'd have started hanging out that first year. Oh well, God totally knew that I wasn't picking a chiropractor by chance. I believe that He guides us when we let Him - all He asks is that we follow. So I will continue my search for that closeness with Him, and I will try to be more open and honest about me. Here's to being vulnerable...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Where's God?

Last night I went to bed with my mind full. For some reason my spiritual well-being was at the forefront. Honestly, I haven't thought about it much lately, and as I started contemplating it, I realized that something needs to change. And how. Before we moved I took a lot of things for granted - my family, my friends, my church, my small group. Since the move, I miss all of those things and how, ultimately, they all helped keep me accountable for my spiritual health. In 2 years, I don't know that a single person has asked me how my relationship with God is. Ultimately, it's on me. And I know that. Have you ever tried to tell complete strangers that you need spiritual accountability?

One of the churches we attended for a bit offered small groups, so we got involved in one. I don't know if I was spoiled with what we had back home, but this didn't even fall in the same category or even the same universe. We were in it for about 4 months, and they never asked about more than our names. It was so spiritually superficial, and ultimately they disbanded - probably a good thing. We've tried to get involved in one at our current church, but I'm convinced that unless you work a normal 8-5 job and have your evenings free, there's nothing out there for you. Nobody wants to have their small group meet on the weekends. And if they do, they aren't looking for more people. So much for the second shifters...

Am I bitter? Maybe a little. But I think it's more about being sad, missing the friends that I could be so honest with about my spiritual walk and who knew me well enough to know when things were "off". I don't blame anyone here. It's very hard to break into a new group of friends. Plus, I don't feel like a very spiritual person anymore, and so I tend to not put myself out there. I've tried to "find" God again and again, but for some reason He eludes me - at least the closeness I once felt to Him. I probably shouldn't admit all of this, but I'm so tired of feeling this way. And a part of me is just hoping that by putting it down in writing, that I can find that part of me that just seems to be gone.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Done With One

So tonight I went out with my BFF, Julie, to get groceries. I know, what a fun ladies night out. But it really was! It's been over 3 weeks since we've done anything and it was high time. Anyway, on the way home we were talking about kids and family and it got me thinking. I'm always amazed at how people look at me when I say we're done with one child. It's almost like they think I'm a little crazy. Maybe I am, but I also know that I truly am done with one. Before Casey came along, I wanted a child of my own so badly, and when I finally gave that dream up to God, He blessed us with our true-love-child. I love being her mother and I can honestly say that I've never felt that urge to have another. Even when I found out I was pregnant 2 years ago, I was like, "ok, whatever, God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I can do this". Then I miscarried, and honestly, since then I have not had the desire for another child. I didn't really have the desire before it either.

A friend asked me what it feels like, to know that I don't want more children. I just said that it's the opposite of feeling like you want more. I can't explain it any better than that. Since Casey, I've never felt that ache for another. I've never looked at a tiny newborn and wished it was mine. I even have a hard time holding new babies - like I'm unsure of what to do - which is nuts because I've had one of my own! When people think I'm crazy for only having one, I wish they knew how crazy I think they are for having more than one! For some reason, the difference seems to be that I don't tell them I think they're nuts. There's nothing wrong with me. It's how God wired me.

I feel so blessed to be a mother. I wouldn't want it any other way. I thank God every day for the miracle that is Casey!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I love warm weather and I wish all my work could be outside; however, there are those mundane tasks that just can't be done outside - - laundry, dishes, baking... Oh well.

Today was so nice. Casey and I went for a walk - Day 2 of my 2nd 30 days of exercise - We took Chris his lunch and then walked for another 20 minutes. I figure we went about 2 miles. Not bad! This is the 2nd week that Chris has been working 1st shift - temporarily - although I wish it were permanent. Hopefully it will be eventually. At least he still has a job. They cut back to 4-day weeks a couple months ago. And I'm praying things start picking up so they can go back to 5-day weeks!

Anyway, it's been an interesting change having him home in the evening. I didn't realize how much of a routine Casey and I had gotten into, until it was disrupted - in a good way, of course!

*yawn* I think I need to go to bed! Lovely sounds of rain outside...

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm Back!

I'm back in the groove! After a trip to Ohio and one to Mississippi, I'm ready to stay home for a while!! I finally made a dent in the huge pile of laundry and the stack of dishes, now it's time to tackle true spring cleaning...blah... Not my favorite thing to do, but I know I'll feel much better about my house and my life when I get it done. At least I think I will...

My garden is planted, except for the peppers, and it looks so nice! Casey had a lot of fun helping plant the seeds. She kept saying, "I'm such a good helper!" Cute. Now I can't wait to have fresh salsa - - maybe I'm a little impatient? I also got some hostas planted around the tree in the front yard. The previous owner decided to fertilize the tree as it was growing, so now I've got roots sticking up everywhere. To prevent mowing into them all the time, I've decided to mulch it and plant shade loving hostas. It's almost done...

I love this time of year, although I could definitely live with temps in the 80's...70's are still just a little too cool for me... I'm hoping to get Casey into swim lessons this year. I want her to learn how when she's really young. I think the younger, the better. So I see a lot of pool time this summer. Not that I'm complaining. *grin*