Sunday, May 17, 2009

Where's God?

Last night I went to bed with my mind full. For some reason my spiritual well-being was at the forefront. Honestly, I haven't thought about it much lately, and as I started contemplating it, I realized that something needs to change. And how. Before we moved I took a lot of things for granted - my family, my friends, my church, my small group. Since the move, I miss all of those things and how, ultimately, they all helped keep me accountable for my spiritual health. In 2 years, I don't know that a single person has asked me how my relationship with God is. Ultimately, it's on me. And I know that. Have you ever tried to tell complete strangers that you need spiritual accountability?

One of the churches we attended for a bit offered small groups, so we got involved in one. I don't know if I was spoiled with what we had back home, but this didn't even fall in the same category or even the same universe. We were in it for about 4 months, and they never asked about more than our names. It was so spiritually superficial, and ultimately they disbanded - probably a good thing. We've tried to get involved in one at our current church, but I'm convinced that unless you work a normal 8-5 job and have your evenings free, there's nothing out there for you. Nobody wants to have their small group meet on the weekends. And if they do, they aren't looking for more people. So much for the second shifters...

Am I bitter? Maybe a little. But I think it's more about being sad, missing the friends that I could be so honest with about my spiritual walk and who knew me well enough to know when things were "off". I don't blame anyone here. It's very hard to break into a new group of friends. Plus, I don't feel like a very spiritual person anymore, and so I tend to not put myself out there. I've tried to "find" God again and again, but for some reason He eludes me - at least the closeness I once felt to Him. I probably shouldn't admit all of this, but I'm so tired of feeling this way. And a part of me is just hoping that by putting it down in writing, that I can find that part of me that just seems to be gone.

No comments: